I have made a list of every way Adam has shown me to date, that he is still with me, with all of us. Those of us who knew him, know he was never afraid to love, to protect those he loved, and to express it openly, so everything I’m sharing probably will not come as any surprise.
The second before Adam took his last breath, I saw a gold light, as if it was right behind my forehead. I remember he was looking at something beautiful. I climbed on him, looked right into his eyes, and I saw it. This glow, contained so much love I cant put it into words without crying for joy. I’ve called it love-light since then. I dont know if it was him as he was passing through me on his way out, or if he was showing me what he saw. But that was his last “I love you.” At least I thought it would be.
24 hours after he died, he spoke to me in my head. I was picking out his funeral clothes, and planned on bringing just his red button up shirt, because he had no slacks, and the funeral home said they had some donated slacks that would fit him. As I was leaving with his red shirt, he started pinging my head, he was very serious about me bringing his black jeans. he was being so obnoxious that I had to laugh at myself and I told him outloud, “OK FINE, I will bring your black jeans.” i went back and got his black jeans, and when i got to the funeral home i knew why he wanted them so bad. the donated slacks they had him in were these wooly old green things from world war two, lol…..
3 days after he died, I was asleep in our bed and just waking up, and he brushed against my foot. In life, this was quite a common occurrence because our bedroom opening was so small, and inevitably one of us would brush against the other no matter how hard we tried not to wake up the other when the bladder called. Im so comforted by that small action, because in order for him to have brushed up against my foot as he was “getting out of the bed”, he had to have been laying behind me.
A week after he died, he was comforting his mother, rubbing her shoulders as she sobbed.
The day of his funeral, as his grandmother watched it live on Facebook from several states away, he sat beside her on her couch, causing the couch to have an indentation where his butt was, she also felt him rubbing her back, and knew he was trying to comfort her.
3 days after his funeral when it was my moving day, he put the trailers slide-out back in. The slide out had been broken for 4 years, but when it was time to put it back in, it began running and working normally. This required hundreds of pounds of pressure through an electrical system that had been destroyed by flooding in 2013.
That same day, he turned the hitch lift on, again this system was destroyed in 2013 by the flood, not even a direct battery jump with cables could start this thing, yet it came right on when it was time to move. I also felt him in my hands as I put my hands on the wheel of our truck and backed it up to the trailer. I got the hitch hooked while backing up on the first try, that is something neither of us was ever capable of doing when he was alive.
Just the complete lack of problems on my travel from Missouri to Virginia, and the freaking odds, the synchronicity of running into our high school classmate Lin Doak (Little Ozzy) in Knoxville. Adam had always said that if Lin’s band had made its way to the St. Louis area, we would catch his show. As I was driving through Knoxville, I happened to catch the radio ad for his one night only performance there in town that was starting JUST as I was driving through that area, so of course I stopped and went to the concert. I rocked my ass off for 3 hours, and knew Adam was right there with me.
The first evening I was at my mothers house, trying to settle in, still in shock from everything, he appeared in full apparition standing at the foot of my bed. My mom had just left the room. We had been looking at all of his photos, and she told me she knew Adam was the only man I ever truly loved. When I saw him, I only saw him for a split second, but it was enough, and I cried so hard but I needed to do that…
I went hiking my third day in Virginia, to beautiful Belle Isle in Richmond. The river was so high it was white water, but I still decided to walk the tops of the boulders, right over the water, and get a good view. I felt Adam walking right behind me and in my feet. I knew without a doubt where to step on the rocks in order to be safe.
Thse first few nights at moms, for about two weeks, he was turning on the lights, lighting the electric candle. Soon as I would step in the room, blink, it would come on. I knew he was welcoming me home.
Not long after the candle-lighting began, the psychic medium John Edward channeled him on a live facebook video. Thousands of people were watching and commenting at lightening speed, but some how he saw my one line comment, and spoke to me about the things Adam was doing to show me he is still around and that nothing had changed, except he was now out of his sick body and able to do all these things he had always wanted to do before (like fix the electric slide out and the electric hitch).
Just a day before the one month mark, Adam sent out a mental message to 16 different people who knew us, all at once, urging them to contact me, because he had to tell me something big was going to happen that day. Some of those 16 said they didnt know why, but they felt very strongly that Adam wanted to remind me that he loved me and that he was still with me, and some flat out gave me personal messages from him with information that they could not have known without him telling them after he died, but all had the undertone of “somethings coming, be ready”. As it turned out, the new husband of our friend passed away that day without any warning. Adam knew that her sudden loss would retrigger my own feelings of hopelessness and remind me of my sudden loss. He wanted me to know that he was right there with me before I got the phone call.
One Sunday when I was at church feeling disconnected from everything, I asked him to give me a message, I wanted to know if he still loved me, felt me, needed me, because in my current state I was so hurt I could not feel him. Being so lost without him, my brain felt like it was burning, at that time, I had constant headaches…he opened the bible to Song of Solomon 6:3, “I am my lover’s and my lover is mine.” I gave a yelp of love, and my headache vanished.
Not long after that, I went hiking just before dusk. There was a couple with a large, unleashed dog coming out of the woods just as I was going in, and I felt a twinge of anxiety about this dog. I love dogs, but I was mauled by one in childhood, so I do have that fear. Instantly, Adam was with me. I saw him out of the corner of my right eye for a split second, and he was nose to nose with this dog, petting it, smiling and telling the man “Nice dog”, and then he caught up with me, and by that time I was under the trees, and didnt see him. But it was enough… and that time you could tell, he was SO healthy and full of life! All the pain, worry, fear, regret, anything and everything that could’ve weighed him down in life, was gone.
7 weeks after he was gone, he appeared in a photo. I still use it as my facebook profile picture. His face shows up inside the black shirt hes wearing in the background framed photo that Im leaning against. As I was about to snap that picture, I had just thought how awful it felt to have to take a picture alone, without him in it, my heart was breaking, I so wanted him to be in it with me like all our pictures. He responded by showing up. Of course his ghost appearance is wearing shades and he’s got that Adam Carr smile, the one where you know…he’s privy to stuff we don’t yet know..he had that look on his face in life. No matter what, you just knew that he knew ❤
About one week ago, he lowered the rails at a train crossing in order to protect me from an oncoming idiot driver. No train in sight, the ding-ding-ding-ding alarm had just gone off, the rails had dropped and I just had to wait for 5 minutes. I could almost feel Adam standing in the road in front of the truck, looking at me saying “Just wait….” and when the rails finally lifted, out comes this driver coming at me from behind some trees, going way to fast, swerving all over. I would’ve hit that guy.
Two nights ago I dreamed of him, he spoke to me. I woke up knowing he will always love me, always protect me and show me the truth.
Knowing Adam, I know he feels that connection to everyone he knew and loved. If you knew him and he changed your perspective on life, even if you only knew him for a day, he has probably checked up on you. I am so touched by the people who have messaged me, who tell me how he got them to believe in their self, to choose to not give up, to be courageous and live their dreams, to fight for whats right, to find the good, not because its in everything, but because even though its in everything, it’s so hard to find.. That is a force of love that death can’t stop.
Editing August 15, 2017 to add the incident at work last night.
I was at work tonight and we had a lady come in, quite explosive and angry about a sandwich made wrong. She was extremely loud, screaming for a solid 5 minutes threatening the person who made her sandwich. She had already gotten her refund and new food to replace the food that was made wrong, and by this time she was just staying around to be belligerent. All of us were a bit rattled, and wanting to help break the tension. We really wanted her to just finish her rant and go away, but instead she was getting closer and closer to jumping over the counter and attacking the sandwich maker. That’s where Adam stepped in.
One of my coworkers had made a large cup of vanilla frosty and then immediately put it on top of the frosty machine (because after it was made the customer decided they wanted chocolate, go figure), and then she walked away to take care of some other things, we were very busy. No one was within range of touching the cup, the machine, or even the wall near the machine. And SWOOP, cup is picked up and does a fantastic somersault, and splat goes the frosty contents on the floor. This was witnessed by the whole crew and by a few people in the lobby including this woman who was screaming. Then almost immediately after, FLIP, goes a whole pile of paper take out bags from the shelf. One of my coworkers is a younger female, she is getting freaked by the second burst of objects being tossed. She said “What is going on in here tonight?” I’m standing calm and not saying anything, of course. I know its Adam defusing this woman from becoming a bomb and hurting someone. Then, a tall stack of plastic cups falls over, off the counter and into the lobby next to this woman. The woman stops her ranting and yells “This place is haunted, fuck THIS, I am outta here”.
Life is all about an exchange of give and take. Another way to look at giving and taking, is sending and receiving energy. Each one invokes feelings or either love or fear, depending on how we view giving and taking. Sending and receiving. Living. Right now, I want to talk about takers. People who take. Who make a living out of receiving energy, in whatever form, be it physical, metaphysical, emotional.
There are 3 kinds that I’ve found during the course of my life.
- The amateurs – People who want payment without bartering anything in exchange. You might think I’m talking about the homeless or welfare recipients, because we’re taught to think shamefully on people who are in “that much consistent need.” No, I’m talking about addicts and thieves. They seem to be the most outwardly low, societies scum, but at least they give us the blessing of being obvious. Wanna know why they make themselves so visible? They don’t have to get close to you to take what they want or need. In their mind, you are not part of their equation at all. Their main goal is survival. They think about immediate needs – right here, right now, today. Their presence may be a surprise, short lived, and leave you reflecting on your own life and surroundings. Believe or not, very few people fit into this category.
- The entrepreneurs – These are people who get under your skin, get close to you, you have to allow them in for them to hurt you, and it’s a process for them. We’re talking about people who lie, cheat, and manipulate. All forms of emotional rape. It may take time for them to show you their true colors because they need to be close to you first in order to get what they need. Control. They feel secure in their income, their job or their place in life. They just want to control everyone in their realm so they can regain some sense of peace that was lost at some point in life, and feel good about themselves. If this person isn’t someone who is in authority, they sure think they are. The majority of the living, breathing human race fits somewhere in this category, at some point in their life. It’s ok to admit it. BTDT myself.
- The professionals – People who give to have glory, to look important to the world. Masters of disguise, of “putting on a front”, possibly high standing in society, always well loved in their niche. When you send out a call for help, they are there with chest puffed up, shouting “I’m here! Look what I can do/have done.” For a short while, you and helping you is their new project. And they might even invite some of their friends to see what they have done after the fact, so their friends can give them pats on the back, support, and validation. They might as well come equipped with their very own background music – an angelic choir of “Ahhhhhhh”. But when they get bored of you, they will ever-so-politely forget your importance to them. Why wouldn’t they? You’re stable, and you no longer give them a chance to show the world how wonderful they are. What a pity. The sad thing is, for someone to fit into this category, they have to be a friend. The only silver lining I can find is that this club has so few members.
Taking is meant to be part of a two-way interaction. We’re supposed to take only when something, as precious as energy, is offered, but many times we think and act out on our fear of losing ourselves, and we take without any interaction. It takes….love to be brave.
- To give without anyone noticing you doing so (Matthew 6:4).
- To give without validation or praise from your peers (Matthew 6:5-6).
- To give yourself when you have nothing solid under your feet (Matthew 16:24-25).
I took this photo 2 days ago. With it, I want to talk about healing.
Sometimes when we pray for healing, we think the prayer is answered only if the measured miracle happens – the illness disappears. For a disease, we ask for a cure. During and after a crisis, we ask for safety and security. When we are watching a loved one deteriorate at the very end, we ask for a peaceful passing.
I remember 3 months ago, praying for Adam to survive his stroke. There was a warm feeling that rushed over me when I pleaded with God for a miracle, and I knew Adam would live. I knew he would never be the same, but that there would be a greater good happening as a result. I didn’t know the details. I didn’t know the when or the how, or the why. I’m thankful for that, too – because waking up every day, seeing his progression as his spirit and his physical body heals, is such a gift.
As I’ve watched the physical and spiritual transformation happening to my life partner over the last 3 months….over the last month…over the last week….as I come to grips with his newness and appreciate his oldness, I see Healing before our eyes that is without form, immeasurable, and undeniably God.
The world around us says that healing takes place one way, but God will give it His way. In truth, the Healing that comes is for the Glory of our Creator, and it’s only in whatever form God says is right.
It’s not always visible and immediate, but it is given always.
I love the equal signs that have flooded Facebook today! The message is warm, and ultimately respectful. I so want to see Congress grow a pair…and take action to allow equality in every aspect of life, and marriage is only part of that picture. How sad it is, that we must rely on a government that was built on freedom from oppression, and developed with fierce diversity….to dictate to us… who we can marry, who we can legally kiss, hold, live a life with, parent with, cherish the golden years with, and die beside.
If you need a social comparison of how bizarre it is…to judge people by who they love…to understand it..
I wasn’t prejudiced in the 70’s growing up, when integrated schools were “new” and “being tried out experimentally in various school systems” in Alabama. I was raised to be open minded, to form bonds with people based on their personality, not by their skin color, not by what they wore, not by what they believed in, not by what political party they supported, or who they married…by my grandparents, who were all born in the 1910’s-1920’s – who must have been raised to be equally respectful of others by their parents and grandparents (born in the 1880’s-1910’s), despite societies norms which purposely divided people according to race in the time of my grandparents and parents, and according to sex in the times of my great-grandparents.
In this day and age, it’s almost ridiculous to think that white women were not treated equally, not given an equal chance as white men to have an education, or to vote, or to work, or to make an equal wage. It’s almost absurd to think that people were once separated in schools, or assigned to different classrooms, simply because their skin colors were not the same. I remember not being able to share a classroom with my neighborhood playmates in the first years of elementary. It’s painful, but it was real. I saw it. Alabama was one of the last to integrate. It blows my mind personally, to think that if you had the unfortunate experience of being born a natural descendant…if you were of the 3rd or 4th, or 10th generation of a person who was kidnapped and sold off the docks of Africa in the 1700-1800’s, and you were born and raised in the USA, and you worked here, and raised your family… and you were even able to fight for the country in war and die with pride doing so, in other words, if you were “black”, you were still not allowed to cast a vote in my country until the 1960’s. You couldn’t even use the same bathroom or drink from the same water fountain. That sounds so painful to read in black and white. The “you can’t be gay” rule is no less ridiculous, absurd…painful.
Please let today be a new beginning for equality in marriage across the USA. Many of my friends and some of my family have been waiting on this moment.
Some of them for a very long time.